that was stupid...

confused
lost
missundahzztud
thers chances calling out to me
i dont know if i should
take a chance
let go
be free
make myself into an example
for someone to follow me
doing shit for people
cuz thas what they want
there voices ringng in my head
my dreams they haunt
what the hell am i sayin
its all pointless junk
why did i get onlyn and write this
i dont know what i thunk

i dont know where my life is leading to anymore...w8..i dont think i ever know wer it was leading to....what if all that we believe our whole mind, soul, body, etc. isnt real?...lyk we think somin and have a firm belive in it and find out it was just pointless to belive in it in the 1st place cuz all we wer beliven in was basically a bedtime story...whats up with love..i h8 it cuz it h8s me...itz lyk the mst difficult and challenging thig God ever created..what's the point of it...i dont think i know what im saying anymore....i dont think i know what im living anymore..i thot i was livin this happy carefree life..now all this complic8d bullshit comes in and i dont know how to deal wit all of it..i wna turn back the fuckin hands of time and hit myself in the head for all the s2pid hings ive done..for all the lies i belived in...for all the people who i allwd to hurt me...for the times i shudv gotn back at people to hurt them..this is startin to sound lyk a poem now..for all the times i shouldv done somthin but didnt and now terribly forget..err...regret not doing.....hit myself for stayn alive....hit myself for dying to me..dying to you...dying to the world....resurrect and start over again..start this vicious cycle of a cruel life...a cruel existance....thank you to those who keep me alive..thatnk you to those who i stay alive for..thank you for those who i love but they dont love me back.....thank you for those who do...who do love me.......this is probly my most fucked up entry...i dont even understand what the hell i just wrote.....i hope it means sumn.....sumn to me....sumn to those who read it........egnaro

i wrote this in school..dont remember when tho..i was bord..for thos of u who arent bitchin at me, you know who this is for..for those of u who are bitchin at me, u hav an idea.....things hav changed tho since i wrote it so it duznt mean as much as when i wrote it..

does it matter anymore that i still don't know why
why did i ever say i love you
what did i see
what did you see in this lonely forgotter soul
what do you see that i cannot
what made me fall for you
what made me give myself
...it doesn't matter
-i'm your's-

wutz the deal wit girls..they over assume shit..lyk today this girl(i mentioned her in the entry titled"dammit") kept sayn"what aren't you telling me"..she,along wit this other girl, think dat im together wit sum1..they ask me and i jus tell them the truth-that im not togethr with anyone..and they dont belive me..why the fuck did they ask then if they dont wana belive wat i gota say...dammit.i dont feel lyk wirting anymre..i need to let my head cool off...ORANGINSCHNITZZIN

iv been too lazy to write any more blogs lately...les see......gerimander....i hurt someone..then made them not hurt anymore..then i think i went thru that cycle again today...that person is..uhh...special to me...i dont think any mortal thas not rel8d to me has ever loved me this much and i givn my love in return...my god this is cheezy....i have a headache..im flooded wit schoolwork...why is it that like no matter how hard i try to do sumn, i end up not finishing it..i see other kids finishing their work and they seem to be doin it like as if it wer kids work...dammit..im not sleepin tonight..ima be up feedin useless shit into my brain so i can be accepted as a "good" student to my teachers..why am i trying to please them and not myself...arnt i spozd to liv life how i wana...watever......what exactly is a kiss..it can mean so much...it can greet..bid fair well..be given..stolen...why wer we givn this gift..is it really a gift tho?....why wer we givn this thing that i cannot describe..this thing to be given at will...like a punch in the stomach..wat the hell am i saying....i need a break from reality..ill blog again wen i come back...oya y's it called a blog..what's the "B" satnd for..why not "clog"..computer log..or e-log.....ah nevr mind..i need to get out...

i jus realized dat i ddnt have to put a title..saves me alot of time thinking of one.......my life is a complica8d love story..its lyk the romantic book thas so fucked up that u wonder why your picked it up in the 1st place..someone loves me..seems lyk she loves me alot..shez sad cuz i aint givn back as much to her as she gives to me....i do love her tho..she says its just friendly love tho...maybe it is....i got alot of shit goin on in my head..i went thu this once befor and i ddnt relly know how do go about it..i still dont know how...maybe im scared of something..lyk the thought of hurting her if we got together..das y i dont wana do go ahead and do anythin...or maybe im jus being selfish...yah thas plrobly it....i think to much of how im gona feel...im spozd to think of wat she wants ryt?..thas how its spozd to work ryt?....idno anymore..sum1 help me...i still dont want a steady rel8nship yet..with anyone....sumn inside me tells me not yet...idno wen but jus not now..i dont evn know y but jus not now...u can love someone alot but not hav a rel8nship ryt.......dammit..i dont know how exactly to put all this.......ill write this another time..when my mind isnt fryd..this blog sux..

untitled

do this> http://lyleanderson.friendtest.com/ ...i scored a 90 on my own quiz...sad..itz 9/11 2day..evryone knows what hapend ryt...oya its jamie's bday today..my aunt was in the 1st tower on 9/11..she got out..uhm....gr8..i dont hav anything to write now..ryt now...nothing interesting in my life..nothing interesting in my world...just me and my sad self..and the few who love me...i wana build up my own real world..real as in its not just in my mind anymore...i told someone and she said she'd want to be a part of that world..im not telln who tho..*nyanya*....why is it that we say things that we wana do and most of the time we end up not doing it..maybe its just me but lyk in school or when i do my homework, i tell myself im gona finish my work but i end up not doing it and doing something else...other kids can do ther work....but then they're lyk freakazoids...no offence honey..u know i love you...oya my honey was in a miniskirt at church today...frucking weird..ill have to get used to that....my pastor talks lyk doctor evil and the head pastor of gcf talks lyk austin powers...maybe one of the pastors sounds lyk goldmember...or one of their wives sound like Lattah Fagina...hahathis guy came and spoke at are church..hes lyk fromIindia or somethin..jose said he sounds lyk sean conery..i dno how to spell it..when you watch the speaker it's lyk watchin a movie for some reason...pastor narry lookd lyk a lil girl standing nx to the speaker..dnt tell him i sed dat...he had his hair in a ponytail ane the speaker was lyk 6foot 20 r sumn and p.narry is shot so..yah knw...anyway.....hmmm..i was spozd to get a basketball uniform even if i wasnt gona play..my number was gna b 1&1/2 but i made it 00 cuz 1&1/2 lukd dumb but then maam said i cant get 1..i wonder y....im paying for it........maam is mad at me...cuz im an irresponsible fool..im a worthless shit to her with no hope of doing any better in school or out of school...she assumes her beliefs based on the lies and assumtions of others..whether they be above me in authority, or on my level because she thinks she cant trust me because she believes that shes smart and im not.shes right and im wrong..shes big and im little(not physically).shez her and im not....why the fuck am i writing this..its like a waste of time that couldve been spent doing a productive activity like a pace or drawing a cow...wusup wit me and cows...and orange...diba mikel?>:D why does love have to be so complic8d..this is so off the topic but it jus popped in2 my head..hehe..someone just dropd their drink on their laptop behind me...poor laptop....i gota find shit to wear to cebu..im still the same pen.always cutting corners to fit my own way of life..oro said that cutting corners only makes more corners and i was all lyk"woahh..yeah...dude"..wutevr..he also said that the purpose of war was not to die for your country..but to make the enemy die for his..then i was all lyk"woahh and..."...u know...shit..i need to find sumn better to do than to tell people of the fucking stupid things that i just blurt out when im too bummed out to do shit...aloha

dammit

i forgot what i came here to write about...uh les see....track practice was hell.as always....oya now i remeber...fuck u ate..u know who u are...no1 lyks being dumped as a friend.especially a best friend..and this isnt JP's fault..wel maybe some of it is..but its mainly yours because u allowd your self to change in this way..people talk about u..your friends from before..since a long time ago they noticed you've been changing..they thought it was cuz of him..i ddnt really think dat was d reason..sumn else..sumn deeper...sumn in your heart.....you said wer lyk this cuz people change....yah we did change but that duznt fuckin imply that we jus throw away what we have that we, or rather i held on so dearly too...you dont just throw away a perfectly good relationship jus lyk that...what the hell went wrong ate...you're realy a bitch now.....and its so sad cuz i see you and feel so far away from you now..i know itz the same thing with you.....and i remember all those pointless times we spent togethr...u wer eally my best friend...shit thas so gay..but its the truth..i ddnt wana giv u up for any1..not even luiza..and yes....me and her did hav a thing togethr but that was after all those thimes you wer annoyng me and asking me about it..see..i wasnt lying wen i sed NOTHING was goin on...u still dont belive me....oya and now im replaced by mikel and a swarm of others and its so hard to be h8n the cuz alot of them are my friends..esspecially mikel......anyways i love you sis..i love you to death..i jus wish things cud go bak to the way they wer.....das all...i ges

welcome to my life

uhm..i was supposed to write an essay for NSC..w8..i did writ 1 for NSC.. the thing is this guy from my school wanted to do essay too..we both submitted in our essays to Sir and he reviewd them...of corse, he chose the betr one-mine*ehem...essay writing was the other guy's only event so if mine went he wudnt have gone to Cebu..Sir asked me if i wud be willing to give up my essay writing so the other guy could go..guess what happend.....well the guy told me he'd buy me lunch the whole week at NSC..thas not y i gave it up..i wudv givn it up wthout the free lunch..i hope he duznt read this..well he gave me his word and the lunch is mine...mwahaha...im still wondering if i did the right thing..i think its pretty s2pid but then wutr friends for if not to bed over backwards for other friends...and plus i get free lunch...how can I refuse that:)...my principle is mad at me..im trying to redeem myself by showing her the performace of a soldier...its so fucked up..they expect so much from us..maa also has this habit of using evrything she knows about me against me..lyk that time with that girl in the bathroom when seriously NOTHING happend, she knew that me and her had this thing so she used it against me...and she believed the guard when he sed i was hugging the girl whith her clothes of..fuck-ass guard..my fingers ddnt evn touch her..i was 10 fucking feet away ya shit guard...now you in maintenance and in my eyes it looks lyk u wer brought down a level....degraded cuz your a lying, delirious son of a bitch..i know i spelld deleriowatever wrong..no, im not mad.............ok..maybe im a lil ticked off...2005 jus hasnt bin the best year for me..it started off when i almost died..i was in a car crash new years morining...maybe thats what shook shit up..haha...then i got involed w sum1 but had a pretty fucked up time cuz they was with sum1..my school work is doin pretty bad.oya i finished my work today so im trying to enjoy no homework and the praise of my supervisor..wut else hapnd this year..basta..alot's hapnd....the ACE people at ISC are prejeduce..i think thas speld wrong too...the Philippines keeps beatin their asses at oral argument...the event is now cancelled...people are sayin its cuz of us..haha....the judges are pregiduse too..specially the physical fittness judge mother fuckers...wutevah...i burned a letter last friday at school..it was from my dad..he gave it to me during ISC cuz had a pretty fucked up time for my event..it was spozd to encourage me and he was lyk"im here fo u".n stuff...i wonder y i burned it.....man im messed up..for those who know me, do u think im anti-Christ?....well im not..im jus a fucked up pastor's kid who does the things he wants to when he wants to..das a fun way to live..and a s2pid way..but das how i live alot of my life..das how u live without a girlfriend....m too bumd to write anymore........aloha

for somebody....

"should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you
should've said something but I've said it enough
by the way my words were faded
rather waste some time with you"